Counterintuitive dating


  1. # How do I start to date? A counter-intuitive primer. | Captain Awkward;
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I say we go for satisfying the people we love everyday, instead of promising them ecstasy and bliss once every few weeks if they just put up with our bad moods for long enough. Your email address will not be published. Notify me of follow-up comments via e-mail.


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  • When I read it though I see it as I have bad days just like you. They are not all the time. You have to be able to make it through the tough times where shit hits the fan and everything is going wrong to be able to be there for the good times. We hope they are: We have a selfish side created through evolution and survival instincts.

    This is the intersection where selfish and out of control have a major crash and there will be injuries for both parties involved…which begs the question, what now? Put two people together long enough and human nature will deal us blows to our ego. But coming back to spirit, back to love and using love as a verb to take responsibility or to forgive becomes what love ultimately is all about. Steve, this is such a great read. I enjoy your writing so much.

    It is smooth sailing and full of insights. I enjoy them also because they always speak my mind. People keep sharing this kind of stuff on social media. It makes me laugh when people who are not even passionate about life see themselves as rebels. I liked this part from the article you linked: These kids, perhaps not equipped with the same critical thinking capacities as the first type, will eventually buy into the hype.

    They will look at those trophies and gold stars, unearned and undeserved, and begin to develop an inflated image of themselves. What is born from this is not confidence, but narcissism and arrogance. Because they are themselves. They are spectacular, beautiful, athletic, and brilliant, all by their very nature. Whatever they do is the best thing anyone has ever done, simply because it was done by them. I have worked, made friends with and even dated a couple of people like that. They were royal pain in the butt. I was with someone who never apologized for anything.

    Nobody could make him admit his mistake and apologize for it. When he screwed up, he was aware of it but he drove around words or changed the subject. You should get a dog instead. I am a good communicator. If I do or say something wrong, I think about why I did it. And I am big enough to apologize and mean it. On the other hand, apologizing is not an excuse to repeat the same mistakes. Really I am awesome. People think having self-respect means denying their mistakes.

    If you have self-respect you accept your flaws and try to cover them up with your strengths. That is something I also learned in my education life as well as personal experiences. We all have flaws. But we need to make the best of our strengths so that our flaws will not come to surface. Thank you for sharing your profound intuition and your beautiful mind, Steve.

    It's simple: Start with no.

    Looking forward to your new articles. I am really glad to read about one area that you have touched on in particular — the quote by Marilyn Monroe. Hats off to you on your perspective. Well said and extremely glad you did say what you did regarding what really is wrong in people so happily and proudly saying such things. Thank you Steve for writing such an insightful and honest article.

    Matt Chandler - Selfishness and Dating

    It seems we live in a world where it is acceptable to shirk at taking personal responsibility for our actions and behaviour. I was married to a man that regularly said if you really loved me you would put up with all My moods and behaviour without comment. My ongoing journey is to not let past abuse be my mantra for being and behaving and thus continuing the legacy. It is very scary to open your heart when all you want to do is run. However, it is only truly living when you do. I am a work in progress and loving the journey of learning and growing, the pain and the joy and especially the thrill of limitless skies in all aspects of my life.

    I may be a little different from the average person posting here because I am a happily married woman of 11 years with 2 children. My husband is always saying how lucky he is to have me. In case you were wondering if he is happy too. As Matt wrote in another post, you choose loyalty, just as you choose to be happy by choosing to have gratitude instead of focusing on the negative. Men and women should go ahead and feel free to satisfy themselves 3, 7, 20 times a week if they so wish. Seems common sense, but your comment comes from a real position of being married, whereas the article quotes distant studies and quotes the Huffington Post — hardly the best source.

    The truth is, I have finally found a man I really like, and I want to be better for him. It has been a huge ego check to come to the understanding that there were things that I did, or did not do, in my past relationships to mess it up. Many of those things had to do with the fact that I allowed traits of my character, that were either gained through nature or nurture, that even I disliked, though they were my own, to just be on constant display.

    And they usually did this by checking out on me on an emotional level. It sounds like you have a great capacity for self-reflection that will help you immensely in your future relationships. Really pleased for you! I loved this article. I also believe that it can be applied to all type of relationship — friends, family, etc.

    The Counter-Intuitive Secret Of Incredible, Happy Relationships | Get The Guy

    So, while I completely agree with the objective of this article, I do have one question about the application of this theory. Oftentimes, I find myself unable to fully relax or be authentic around the men I date because I am trying so hard to be the best version of myself, and this is a rather exhausting exercise.

    How can you be the best possible version of yourself without also being overly agreeable or polite? My ex was one of those people who epitomized this mentality. I told him time and time again that it frightened me, and I thought he should look into anger management. He was emotionally abusive and selfish in other ways as well, but his response was always that I was doing something wrong by not accepting him. More people need to be called out for being proud of their horrible traits.

    The Counter-Intuitive Secret Of Incredible, Happy Relationships

    I agree strangely enough. She makes me better. In other words, she loves me. When have we lost our will to improve or change? A friend of mine is genuinly investing in and worrying about his relationship. Thanks for the reminder. You need to keep working on any relationship for it to continue to exist. Barbara, this is spot on. Thanks for talking sense: I think the truth is that it is very, very hard to change. The person who loves you has to take that risk. I really believe that. Especially with the ones you love. But I do think that with all that trying the person who loves you does have to love all of you, not just the good parts.

    You are absolutely correct A.