Even further, the type of love that Will develops for Tierra can never be matched by her. Donte must be put first. Second must come Tierra because she is the mother who has to take care of her child. Next comes Kevin as Donte needs his father and since Donte is a mutual asset between them.
God forbid Tierra gets a dog or Will could be fighting for his roster spot. As men, we are inclined to be self-sacrificing for the women that we love.
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Will is in position to put Tierra and even her son, the product of another man — ahead of his own self. This is such a common thing among Black men. Unlike men who have children already, Will can only experience a sense of patriarchy in his relationship with Tierra.
The special and sacred tie that men want with a woman in creating a genealogy with her does not exist between Will and Tierra. Will has put himself in the bulls-eye for emotional turmoil and devastation. Imagine if Tierra assures Will that she will conceive a child with him if they were to ever get married and later on she opts out, or discovers that she is not able to bare another child. His role is a volatile one. Will and Tierra have been an item for going on a year and everything seems to be going well.
One evening, Tierra gets a call from Kevin demanding that she come pick up Donte, as he has to attend to an urgent, unexpected matter, likely just a ploy to interrupt her time with her boyfriend. She had an evening of movies planned with Will at her place. Kevin is upset not only because of the back and forth that he had on the phone with Tierra about picking their son up early, but he hates knowing that Tierra has clearly moved on from him.
After getting their child safely in the car, the arguing continues between Kevin and Tierra and they start fighting — fist fighting, in the middle of the street. Kevin grabs Tierra by the face and it sets her off. Tierra arrives at home where Will patiently waits for her in her driveway. He understands that dating a single mom comes with unexpected interruptions but that the most important thing is for her to take care of Donte. When Tierra gets out the car, Will can see that something is wrong with her.
As she turns to him with Donte on her shoulder still a bit disheveled. What if you hurt him? What if both of you end up in jail? Did you even think about that? Just play your position! As a man, we have a natural inclination to protect our woman. Will is disabled from doing his job in defending her appropriately, because in a situation like this one, the damage that he causes Kevin damages Donte. Think of another man entering your home with your woman walking hand in hand to the bedroom that you share, having sex with her, as you sit there in a nearby chair watching him go in and out of her as he gives her long deep strokes, hearing her moan in pleasure, crying tears of joy.
After giving her a full load of his seamen dripping out of her vagina, you get the grand privilege of carrying her over the threshold to the bathroom, getting some warm water and mild soap and washing out his remains and then kissing her on the vagina to make sure she feels better after he just stretched her out. Usually it was because she was a widow or the father had completely abandoned his family.
The stepdad became the new dad. What most men inherit when dealing with a single mom these days is the bi-product of a fun night in the sack and the dismissive use of contraception. Even when their is a relationship, many pregnancies were either unplanned or unwanted. A childless Black man will observe the child physically and mentally grow into his daddy, inheriting so many of his ways and tendencies whereas the man does not a have a child of his own to rear and watch mature.
Her son was in pre-school. The father had apparently not seen his child for over 6 months despite living in the same city. When the father did reach out to the mother, it was usually to make an empty promise that he would come and get their son for the weekend, buy him some clothes and spend quality time with him.
Those weekends never came. Her frustration led her to make a very striking and startling statement that I will never forget: The dating landscape in general can come with a lot of pitfalls and traps.
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For many of us who were raised with some type of spiritual or religious upbringing, we can view it as noble to be able and willing to care for a woman who has a child or children. There was a time where for many reasons that I viewed being with a single mother as not only a dating preference but even as a part of my responsibility. Many of us men with no children including myself have a natural love and affinity for children, especially when they are small.
I myself worked with small children and within a matter of weeks I grew to have a genuine love for each of them individually and even felt compelled to take care of several of them if it was necessary. In my case, a large part of why I have been historically hesitant about being a father was fear of failure of perfecting the role of father.
My thoughts used to be that as a father, I must get it all right all the time. I would not have been able to live with myself if I ever messed up a family through the tackiness and demise of a family associated with infidelity or not being an adequate provider. Even not doing enough in the way of teaching and training my children would have been enough to put off or no longer consider fatherhood.
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While I will probably always believe that before becoming a father that I should be able to provide a child with the tools both tangibly and intangibly to have the best chances of success in life overall I also realize that even my intentions with maintaining the gold standard of fatherhood will come with flaws. Being a step dad gives us the opportunity to experience all of the good that we would want to bring to our own children with a woman who already has children and to treat the situation with the same level of permanency in our intentions as we would with a child of our own child.
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However over time, we will most likely be inclined to want to make these investments into our own child. You will be like a bank teller that gets a sense of feeling rich by handling a lot of money all day and only fantasizing that it could all be in your own account. There was one young woman that I spent time with, she was 23 I was During one of our conversations as we spoke about child bearing we were on the subject of a man wanting his own biological children.
When I mentioned that I wanted my own children, she asked me: If it is very important to you to have your own children as is the case with me, then starting a family with a woman who has no children would be the best option. In the case of Will and Donte, Will undoubtedly has grown fond of Donte greatly. The childless Black man gets another reminder that being involved with a single mom under most present situations is temporal. Will is back at his cozy bachelor pad. There are too many variables going on when doing so.
The video illustrates from other vantage points the psychological dangers in entering a relationship with a single mother from a cultural perspective for Black men. Your email address will not be published. Time limit is exhausted. Skip to content This piece is dedicated for Black men in America who have no children but who are either considering getting into or are currently in a relationship with a single mother.
What is a Single Mother? Notice that I said relationship shift, not relationship split.
22 Men Reveal What Dating As A Single Dad Is Really Like
More on that in a bit. The detrimental circumstances that can have a childless Black man vulnerable when dealing with a single mother is mostly about one key phrase: We will start with the first and most significant: Tierra, Kevin and Donte This relationship shift is the catalyst for the circumstance of Tierra being a single-mom and thus available for Will. A lot of women who consider themselves done with the father of their child will swear off ever getting back with him but when probed, they will tend to express a slight change of heart under circumstances such as: If he stops drinking If he gets a better job If he supports our child better If he spends more time with his child If he gets into church If he stops being abusive If he stops cheating Some women will also often mention layers of more interpersonal needs such as: That means you may have to take things slow with any guy you date who has kids -- but that's a good thing.
Single dads know what love is he's got kids and yet that very fact alone forces him to move slowly into dating and relationships, which is a very good thing, I think. That desperation of rushing into things is basically weeded out of the equation. Any parent will tell you: Kids have a wonderful way of putting your world into perspective. You can be sure that your date's selfishness levels began to fall the day he welcomed his firstborn and they've been steadily plummeting ever since.
I'd like to think that women would appreciate a man who has learned to be selfless to a fault.
He won't shirk responsibility. While other men might begrudge your requests to take the minivan in for a tune-up or head to the hospital with you to visit a sick friend, a good single dad steps up to the plate. Plus, if you're the hand-holding type, you're definitely in luck, says Jon Vaughn, a father of two girls who blogs at Full-Time Daddy. We get hugs, kisses, cuddles and we get farted on. This happens quite often.
His listening skills are top-notch. T-Rex or T-Rex rocking a tie?
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Fellow single dad Tomashoff agrees: A single dad keeps his guard up.